On the 15th of March 2013 I left my small town in the countryside of South Africa and touched down in London Town. After on and off living in London for Two years I have created the ultimate list that will prevent awkward, uncomfortable and embarrassing situations, things I wish I had known before moving to London. To be fair I still find myself defying my own list but hopefully this can benefit others. There is no hope for me.
Lets start off with transport.
- If you are friendly to a bus driver they are great people, but rule number one: Do not get angry at the bus drivers. They have a special power to make others hate you. Even if they are in the wrong they find a sneaky bus driver way to turn the crowds against you! I once saw a someone throw a sandwich at another human being. I laughed a little but only because buses bring out the worst out in people, not because I’m a terrible person.
- Don’t ever tell school girls to keep quiet on a bus or train. The can and will Verbally abuse you! They have no shame and everyone is afraid of them. Screw the Russian Gangsters or the football hooligans the most dangerous people in London are adolescent school girls.
- Never try to stop a train or bus that is ready to depart, you only look like an asshole who has no patience. I once tried to get a bus driver to open the doors by slamming my hand against the door repetitively. He obviously did not open the doors for the crazy woman yelling and he drove away leaving me at the bus stop looking like a massive wanker. I never did that again until last week. I tried to fist a train door open but to my surprise the door only opened enough for me to pull my fist back towards myself. I just wish I was a person in the train watching this hand try to fist pump its way onto the train.
- A strong belief that I hold is that poor people can not wear heels in London! If you can’t afford to take a taxi don’t do it. I have stumbled along the side-walk looking like a methed up prostitute, not because I hit the pipe but because walking five Kilometers in heels is comfortable. Don’t forget you will be climbing bus stairs that are constantly moving, in trains that starts and stops like a fat persons diet and you will be waiting for public transport for
EVEROK a long period of time. Your feet will die in heels! I’m a non taxi riding type of person and I refuse to wear heels. On a side note: Once when I was waiting for a late night bus, I got mouth kissed by a hobo. It was a little scary but also weirdly arousing.
- The cardinal rule in London is always make sure you have an empty bladder when leaving a building. If you are out when all the pubs closed (which soul-breakingly is at 12:00am) and you feel a tinkle coming along, you better be comfortable publicly going to the toilet. You should not do your business on an open street, I seriously hope that this is a given for most people or else you are not good at being a human. I find the best places to go potty are in parks, quiet side streets, behind dumpsters or as a last resort in a telephone booth (not my proudest moment). When dressing for a night out when you know you’ll be drinking, taking public transport and staying out late DO NOT wear a romper suit, onsie or cat suit. You WILL piss all over your feet. Which is a little embarrassing because you smell like urinal and that is not sexy.
- Never assume that someone is not Polish or can not speak the language. Majority of the time they will be. I was on the top floor of bus on the way home from work, it was late and I was tired. A man came and sat next to me even though every seat around me was empty. I felt annoyed. He continued to ask me questions where I replied with one word and a terrible Polish accent. He told me that he was from Somalia and asked me the dreaded question of where I was from. I stupidly replied Polllllond. He then excitedly started speaking fluent Polish. I was speechless, literally. I ended up telling him in a thick South African accent that my father was from Poland and I’m actually half Polish. I’m pretty sure he saw straight through my lies. The worst part of the situation is that I am actually half Greek, i can speak the language and there are no Greeks in London. It was an extremely awkward trip home. So never pretend that you are Polish.
I hope this list will come in handy for people who are moving to London, are new residence or even for people who have been here for years. Just one thing of advice from me, no matter where you live or what you do with your life just remember that life isn’t perfect and it should not be taken to seriously.
The travelling_hobo 